It was recently brought to my attention it has been several years since I've shared my special non-patented method for easily and safely bathing a cat. I think it would be a shame if this method were to ever be lost, so I share it now for posterity.
Please note this is a western method, unavailable to many folks in areas of the world such as India, where the required tools may not be at hand.
How to Bathe a Cat
Up until now, bathing a cat has been hard. More than hard-- dangerous. Everyone who has ever tried to bathe a cat knows that cats don't like it. Reasoning with the little monsters does not help, and many would-be cat-bathers have come away with less skin than they brought into the game.
This method is completely safe, while resulting in a thoroughly clean cat.
First a little preparation is in order. Clear a path between your bathroom (indoor plumbing is required), and the shortest route to the outside door nearest your bathroom. Be sure no inner doors are closed, and no stray items are obstructing the path. Pen up any small children, and warn all otherwise unwary adults to stay clear.
Select your desired soap product, whether it be shampoo, or dishwashing liquid, and pour a liberal amount in your toilet bowl. (Note: I used to wash the toilet bowl before performing this procedure until one day when I forgot. I was surprised and overjoyed to learn the process has the side benefit of leaving a sparkling clean toilet bowl while having no negative impact on the cleanliness of the cat.
Raise the lid and the seat.
Find your unsuspecting cat. Pick him up and give him (or her) some kind and reassuring words. Tell him softly this will all be over quickly. It will.
Important: Open your outside door, and leave it standing open. Don't let go of the cat-- if it senses what you're about to do, it may seize on this moment to escape.
Walk into the bathroom and stand close to the toilet. After a few times of performing this procedure you may want to back into the bathroom, placing yourself between the cat and the toilet. It's best if your cat doesn't know what's coming.
This next part is your only chance of injury or danger, and is important to be performed quickly, and without hesitation: All in one swift movement, thrust the cat into the toilet bowl, and slam down the lid. IMPORTANT: You must hold the lid down-- if you don't it will pop right back up again, and you will be mowed down by a flying ball of wet claws and teeth. More to the point, your cat will still be unwashed. So HOLD DOWN THE LID!
Take care, while you are holding down the lid, that you keep your legs at least six inches back from the edge of the toilet bowl. Cats have been known to stick their paws through the crack between the seat and the toilet bowl, claws extended, hoping for anything against which they can find purchase. The process works best when the cat can find nothing into which to sink its claws.
Allow the cat to self-agitate for two to five minutes, depending on how dirty the cat was at the beginning. Give older cats a little less time if they seem to stop struggling prematurely.
When you think the cat has agitated long enough, press the lever on the side of the toilet's water closet to rinse. Always repeat, for a second rinse.
When the toilet is primed for a third flush, place your body in a position which does not block the bathroom door, flush the third time, and then quickly lift the lid and seat in one swift motion. The combination of the flush and the path to freedom will propel your cat up and out through the open door to the outside, where your cat will naturally dry itself.
I hope you have found this instructional useful. Stay tuned for next week's lesson titled "Bathing your Spouse."
We all need some humor occasionally, to brighten the day.
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